Many people experience problems with their sex life at one point or another, including reaching orgasm. It is only natural that things change, but if you would like some insight into what you can do yourself, then read on! Because how is it that you actually acheive an orgasm?
The hunt for the orgasm
Many people view the very fact of achieving orgasm as a criteria for good sex. The moment of orgasm thus becomes the highlight and success criterion for sex - but it does not have to be like that. I usually say to my clients: “It's a bit like setting up a life where Saturday is the only day of the week where you have fun. Every other day is a struggle to get through and one does not really enjoy them. When there is a Saturday that goes wrong because it is raining or you are sick, it becomes a real shit week. But if you instead get to create a week that you enjoy, where you appreciate all days to some extent, then it is not so important with that Saturday that is missed once in a while. It's the same with orgasms and sex.”
Enjoy the journey
Although it can be frustrating when you canmot achieve an orgasm, the way to actually reaching orgasm is most often enjoying the trip, and not just focussing on the goal. If you keep focusing only on the orgasm and on achieving it, then the pressure of expectation often becomes so great that it is counterproductive and only creates more frustration. Instead of continuing to rub, rub, pull, or lick where it "usually" works, start somewhere else. Maybe with a nice massage, with a bath or something else sensual. Find pleasure in some other things and see if you can focus on them instead. Whether you are exploring alone or with others, set aside plenty of time and find out what brings enjoyment. If you like playing with a vibrator, then you may have to explore how it feels elsewhere on the body than on the genitals. Dive into the sensuality in every single moment, and give your body a break so you do not keep pushing.
It hurts when I have sex
If the challenges of achieving an orgasm stem from pain, it is important to consult a doctor. Sex should not hurt and it is important to get it checked out if in doubt. You can also try yourself very very slowly, and only go to where it feels nice and then stop. If the body is stressed or frightened at first, then slowness, curiosity and patience are the way forward.
Take a break
When the orgasm frustrations reach an almost intolerable level, my best advice is simply to take a break. Make a decision that you will not try to achieve an orgasm for a certain period of time. You can choose whether you need a break from sex in general, but it is different what you need and want. If you give your desire and your body space, it'll probably come back. Talk to your partner, a good friend or maybe a professional so you air your concerns and get some good input.
Remember that the only thing that is certain in this life is that everything changes. And it will continue to do so.
Also read Molly's guide to intimate massage!
Or the guide to finding the right vibrator.