What is a safeword and how do you use them?
A safeword is a word or phrase you can use during sex to stop the sexual session. Most people associate safewords with BDSM play, but they can be used in all forms of sex. It can be a good way to reassure yourself and each other that you like what's going on between you. Feel free to talk about safewords before you have sex and agree which one(s) you use.
Why use a safeword?
Reassurance and good communication are essential in sexual relationships - whatever kind they are. Talking about boundaries and safewords helps to establish some ground rules for the sex you have with each other. This is true whether your sexual relationship is long-standing or new. Most importantly, your ability to listen to each other - a safeword is a good starting point for this. If you are exploring BDSM sex together, it is essential to remember that safewords cannot only be used by the submissive party. The dominant can also experience discomfort, and make use of safewords. Respect and consideration go both ways.
Why 'no' and 'stop' are not suitable safewords
'No' and 'stop' are both words commonly used to set limits. They may therefore seem obvious choices as safewords. In a sexual context, the words can often be used in a playful and titillating way, where they dont actually mean that you want the act to stop. It can potentially cause confusion, and - contrary to the intention - will not work to set a clear boundary for when you actually mean stop. Conversely, you also run the risk of stopping the naughty play at a time when you don't actually want it to stop.
The key with safewords is to support clear communication. We've put together some suggestions for safewords below. Talk about it, and choose something you feel comfortable with.
Red, yellow, green
The 'red, yellow, green' scale can easily be used as a safeword. Red means stop - saying you or your partner(s) red means you stop everything immediately. Red should be used when you are not comfortable, if the experience is too much, or if you no longer consent. Yellow means take it easy - maybe you actually liked what your partner(s) were doing, but it suddenly got a bit too wild. Yellow in itself is the same as saying 'turn it down a bit'. Yellow can also be used if you are close to reaching your limit or experiencing physical discomfort. Green means continue - if you use green, you are communicating to your partner(s) that you like what they are doing; that you feel comfortable and would like them to continue
Choose simple words
If you search the web for popular safewords, both 'pineapple' and 'tractor' come up frequently. It may be a good idea to choose a word that is not usually associated with something sexual - for example, a food or an object. That way, the safeword you choose will automatically stand out during sex. Other simple and and popular safewords include 'pause', your own name or animal. The most important thing is to choose a word you are sure not to suddenly forget, overhear or misunderstand. A good tip might be to consider if there is something you are allergic to, or something you definitely dislike?
Safewords without words: Safe actions
If you are not able to use words, you can agree on concrete safe actions instead. For example, if you or your partner(s) have a gag ball in their mouth, or if you play choking or breath play. Find out together and agree on which actions you are comfortable with and need to pay special attention to while having sex. Examples of 'safe actions' might be flashing a special pattern, ringing a bell, banging on something or holding your partner(s) arm - when you either grab hard or let go it's a sign to pause or stop completely.
You might also like: How to talk about your sexual fantasies or How to have sex without penetration
