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What is friends with benefits and how do you get one?

Fuck buddies, friends with benefits, lovers, flirts. The term has many names. A fuck buddy is one or more people with whom you have both a friendly and sexual relationship. A fuck buddy is someone you don't have a romantic interest in. Roughly speaking, there are two ways to start a fuck buddy relationship: either you start having sex and build a friendship over time, or you are already friends, perhaps for a long time, and start having sex with each other.

Can you have sex with your friends?

The short answer is: Yes, of course you can. Being friends with benefits can take many different forms. Some people just want to explore the sexual part of the relationship by getting together and having casual sex - either occasionally or regularly. Others want a more intimate sexual relationship that includes kissing, cuddling and maybe sleeping together. Still others are more likely to want to nurture the friendship part of the relationship by hanging out, eating out, going for walks or partying together.

What you want your friends with benefits situation to look like is entirely up to you. That's why it's important to check in with yourself, be honest with each other about expectations and how you want to engage in the relationship.

Why have a fuck buddy?

There can be many different reasons for wanting a fuck buddy. It could be because you don't want to have a romantic partner and the obligations that usually come with a romantic relationship. It could also be because you want to have sex regularly or because you want to develop your sexuality with other people. Having fuck buddies can also be meaningful if you're in an open relationship.

A fuck buddy is ideal if you want a sexual relationship with security and trust - but without romance. This friendly relationship can be the perfect starting point for exploring your sexuality, kinks and different ways of having sex. As fuck buddies, you can be each other's closest in the sexual space; trying out sex toys, going to a swingers club or having sex with multiple people at the same time. It can be nice to know that you have each other to share and evaluate sexual experiences with.

How do I get a fuck buddy?

There are many different ways to get a fuck buddy. It could be that you've had good, fun sex with someone you don't already know; someone you met in the city, on the street or on a dating app. Or it could be with someone you already know and are good friends with. It can be wonderful if you can establish a well-functioning fuck buddy relationship - but there are pitfalls too.

Advice for fuck buddies

Before you get a fuck buddy, it's a good idea to think about what you want to get out of the relationship. It may not be easy to put it into words for yourself - in that case, talk to some of your friends about fuck buddies in general. Maybe they have experiences, advice or recommendations they'd like to share with you? 

  • Put the fact that you're fuck buddies into words: Play with an open mind and don't hold back. It's important that you agree on whether you're friends who have sex with each other - or whether you're seeing each other to find out if the relationship has the potential to be more than a friendship. 
  • Be honest with yourself and your fuck buddy(s): Adding to the above, being true to your feelings is a cornerstone of a good fuck buddy relationship. If you start to experience a change in your feelings about your relationship, own up to it and say it out loud. It can feel both shameful and annoying, but changes in emotions are out of your control and it's never anyone's fault. This could be if you're experiencing romantic feelings, if the sex you're having together has changed, or if you don't feel the relationship is balanced in terms of how sexual or friendly it is. 
  • Be respectful of your fuck buddy(s): Having sex together brings you closer together. It can add a whole new dimension and development to your friendship, which can be great. However, you also run the risk of romantic feelings arising. It's a good idea to anticipate what to do if one person develops romantic feelings and the other doesn't. Should you stop having sex? Should you give it a chance? Should you stop hanging out altogether? It can be difficult to plan in advance, but it's important to respect your own and each other's feelings in your relationship. 
  • Talk about your relationship regularly: Have open and honest communication with each other; how do you feel about being friends? What are your thoughts on the sex you have with each other? Is there anything you want to change? 
  • Practice safe sex: Unless you've agreed to only have unprotected sex with each other and to use contraception if you have sex with others, it's always best to have protected sex. Remember that barrier methods - i.e. condoms, femidom and dental dams - are the only forms of contraception that protect against STIs. Also remember to get tested for STIs regularly. 

Read also: Can sex toys make you lose sensitivity? Questions and answers about vibrators

Also read: Our guide to kink and mild BDSM

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