About dating as a trans woman

Written by Emma Horndrup, student and erotica writer

So there I was, after five years, with a broken heart and a damp basement room, thinking "Hmm... could use some sex."

That's how it started. My girlfriend and I broke up in early 2022. She found a man I would describe as a sort of hobby boyfriend and I had all these feelings that had no place to stay. So I started "dating" again. Tinder, Grindr, various sites. I moved in thinking it probably wasn't going to be anything more than some pictures of lopsided dicks and a few half-assed propositions and some misunderstandings as to what this transgender thing was.

I'd been told that dating life for "the likes of you," was more reminiscent of Fury Road than Bridget Jones. It was something about learning self-defense and carrying a gun in your purse, and my ex, now roomie, announced that for God's sake I was never allowed to go anywhere without consistently updating her, so we could make it easier for the police squad that would be out looking for me when I was, with no doubt, dumped on the side of the road with stab wounds and semen running out of me.

So that's really cool as a basis for one's dating life isn't it?

Trans identity is shrouded in much mystery and much misunderstanding. To other dolls out there I will give ONE piece of advice. "DON'T listen to your cis friends' thoughts about your dating life." They have no idea what they are talking about and they have practically developed an anxiety diagnosis on your behalf.

The reality? Well. At the time of writing, about 5 months after I started, I have 3000 individual inquiries and a whole army of simps writing approximately twice a week to try their luck. I haven't found a boyfriend, but I've found many enriching conversations with men through it all.

Today there is more observance, more acceptance. People definitely think I'm naughty because I can potentially femdomme them into the ground. Many are wildly disappointed when I say I'm pretty Vanilla and mostly submissive. But other than that, I've never been told I'm gross, cheap or needed to be killed. You know, as I was warned the reality was. Other than one legitimate incel, I haven't met any dangerous thugs.

I think it's all about attitude and approach. As a transwoman you're kind of limited because people think you're naughty no matter what you do. I'm at the "good end" in terms of genetics and I'm not picky. I have found that men just want to be seen and acknowledged. Kind of like, "Yeah, you have a dick, but let's talk about something else." Sometimes the conversation flows, other times they just wanted to have some interaction instead of watching porn - and when I say that saying "Uh okay," is enough, I mean it.

In the end, I fell in love with T. He's sweet, sensitive and oh so complicated. Not my type at all, but he struck a chord with me. That fact that he then declares himself a-romantic, is always absent and right now only wants to have sex with his little group of kinky pups - well, that's the classic story of the queer person who falls for the one man who doesn't want her, right?

The point is, if you're going into this as, say, a woman, you kind of have to consider whether you can forgive men's immediacy, or whether you're standing firm on your feminist tendencies. It's fine to have standards and disavow behaviors - but honey, when I tell you that beneath the wave of dick pics, there are occasionally cute guys full of nuance hiding, I mean it.

I'm still single and searching - living my best Bridget Jones life and looking hard for Colin Firth (the idea of the character, I'm not stalking the real thing). I will always appreciate the conversations I've had, but it's with love as it is with so much else - the goal is secondary to the experience. There are plenty of fuckboys and it's fun to get some noncommittal dick - or a slave if that's where you want to go, trust me, they throw themselves at your feet. In the end, it's what you make of it.

But don't overthink it and don't be scared. There's so much out there about cis men's prejudices and you could be led to believe they're dangerous. In my experience, they are insecure, nervous and really, really scared of you saying no. Honey, as a trans woman you are a very rare resource - so if I have to give one piece of advice that you should follow to the letter, it's this:

Be the captain of your own ship, you set the course and you decide where you dock. There are open waters all around the world and no need to worry that it will never happen.

One day I might find a port, but until then I'm having fun looking for potential sex dates and some good chats. I'm picky and not in a hurry and deep down I hope my T chooses me over his brood or whatever you call it. Or that Colin Firth answers my DMs. Ahem.

Toodles.