Boundary setting and your needs
Written by Molly Mørch - sexologist & psychotherapist specializing in sexology and trauma
I often see clients who want to work with boundaries and needs. Many are challenged by having difficulty feeling and setting boundaries, and at the same time, their own needs become something that can be difficult to fully feel or express. This article describes some of the basic concepts of boundary setting and how it relates to needs.
Two different systems
Firstly, it's important to understand boundaries and needs as two different things. They may influence each other, but they are not the same thing. When we separate the two, it becomes a bit clearer what's at stake and thus easier to work on them separately. Learning new skills is like learning a new language. One step at a time, and lots of practice!
Boundary setting
Boundary setting is what you do when you mark a distance between yourself and others. The distance can be physical, it can have to do with opinions, beliefs or feelings, but it can also consist of many other things. Boundaries and boundary setting is a very large area, so the following is a very brief introduction.
I like to say that there are three steps to setting boundaries. Each step needs to be learned and practiced, and you start with the first one. The three steps are:
- Sensing or feeling boundaries
- Expressing boundaries (verbally or non-verbally)
- Holding boundaries
Learning to set boundaries can be a long journey, as unfortunately few of us have learned it "from home". Fortunately, we can learn it as adults. Boundaries are often very different, which is why it's especially important to communicate around them. Crossing boundaries can be extremely uncomfortable, but the other person may not understand or see the boundary. Practice one step at a time. You can practice with yourself, perhaps by writing down your thoughts and reflections, but it's also a good idea to have a friend or partner to practice with. The last element of setting boundaries can be particularly difficult for many people, i.e. maintaining boundaries. Ultimately, it can mean physically moving away from a situation. In my programs, I often see changes over a longer period of time where you work with the theme for maybe 3-12 months, so be prepared that it's not something that can be learned overnight.
Need
If you see a boundary as a distance or a no, you can see a need as an invitation or a yes. At the same time, boundaries are not only set to keep something out, but also to make room for yourself. It can therefore be a good idea to learn to feel your own needs. Because the space you create for yourself by setting a boundary must, among other things, be filled with a need - which you must be able to feel and put into words.
Remember that needs are best expressed on your own turf, for example. "I need some contact, preferably some soft physical touch. Is that something you would like?". Many people find themselves expressing needs as something others have to fulfill for them, and it can quickly become muddy or challenging. Sentences that start with "I need you to..." can therefore be good to take home with you in some way.
Our boundaries and our needs are our own
Remember that our boundaries and our needs are our own and are ultimately our own responsibility. It's never our fault if we have experienced transgressive behavior earlier in our lives. At the same time, we can help take responsibility for it not happening again. Part of working on boundaries and needs is that we learn new resources that can take us to other places in life. We can't change the things that have already happened, but we can help determine what we work on in ourselves so we can help shape the future.
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